I am done. Done trying to impress people. I am done worrying what others think of me. I will admit I am concerned about my looks. I am done with caring about the dirty looks. Done.
I worry about things I shouldn't. I am not old enough to worry about these things. But its hard when you are constantly being told no, we don't have the money. But then your little sister gets to do things she wants. The one thing I want to do so incredibly bad is play softball. Yes there is a school team. That is not what I mean. I want to play travel ball. I want that sense of everyone caring. Not the oh I got stuck with you guys thing.
So I was asked the other day what my goals are. This is how the conversation went.
"So, Cam. What are your goals."
"At school or all the time?"
"All the time"
"Physical or mental or both"
"Both"
"Well, physically I want to be able to do things with out carrying my inhaler around. I don't want to have to carry it EVERYWHERE."
That is a simple goal I want to achieve. Is it realistic. Probably not anytime soon, but long term maybe. I have gotten to the point where walking upstairs has become a challenge. Not a challenge like I cant. But I can make it up them and can barley breath. Now my friend "S" has told me that even she has problems with stairs. Not because she cant breath, but because of her hip. I feel like I hold them back. I have amassing friends who specifically wont do what they want to because they want to make sure I have a friend with me. I feel like its my fault there giving up things. It is. I know it is. I feel like a 3rd wheel. I feel like they would be able to do whatever they wanted if I wasn't there. But at the same time, I feel like we have a ton of fun together.
Another goal of mine that is physical I shared in my Bucket List post. I want to do the London marathon.
A) I don't live in London
B) I can not physically do it right not
Well I have added to that. I want to do it with out my inhaler. The day I can throw my inhaler aside and go out for a jog will be the happiest day of my life. Even happier then getting married. I haven't been able to go for a "real" jog in over a year. I can go on walks and things, but a "real" jog is out of the question. What I mean by "real" is a good mile to two. I can do super short sprints, not jogs.
Cameron-Elizabeth
