Just Close Enough To Feel

Today has been long. I'm missing my sister and brother-in-law. I miss my niece and nephew. I miss my grandparents. It seems like everyone I want right now is just out of reach. The people I need the most are the farthest away. Today, as I was missing all these incredible people I herd a song on the radio which made me have a break down. The song was, "If Haven Wasn't So Far Away", I cried. I was alone in the car and I just balled.
If heaven wasn't so far away I would be able to talk to my grandfather. Id be able to ask him for advice and what to do next. I'd be able to hug him and tell him I love him. I'd be able to meet my dads dad. I have wanted to meet him my entire life. What I have herd about him is incredible.
That's another thing I missed today. My dad loves talking about my grandfather. He really does, but at the same time he misses his dad. I get that. I have only seen my dad cry 3 times in my life. One of those was when he was talking about his dad. My dad is great and I want to be like him when I grow up. When my dad talks about Grandpa, he says that he wishes he could be half the man that Grandpa was. It's hard to imagine someone that great, other then God. Grandpa was a man who worked up until the day he died. He was incredible and managed to raise incredible kids, so it bothers me that he's not here. I mean, I know people have to die, but why him. Why do the ones that are good die before their time?
Only the good die young. I have herd that a thousand times. I know that. But I wish I could have one day with him, with either of my grandpa's. But it starts as one day, then you want another, and another. Where would the line be drawn? At some points I think I would do anything to hug them one more time. But at other times I'm ok that it happened. I'm ok because I know God needed another angle. I know that they're being used well, and I also know that they are looking down upon me and are watching over me. For that I am thankful. I felt them with me today. I had to sing in front of church, and I was so scared. I went up and began and instantly felt the nervousness go away. I felt them with me, helping me through that time. They were just close enough to touch me. To let me know they were there.
Today has been long and rough. But I got through it and am proud I did. Tomorrow is a new day and I know that I'll still have them with me.

Cameron-Elizabeth
(Written Sunday. Blogger wouldn't post it, sorry!)

I Will Dance With Cinderella

Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman

This is a great song. I had a ballet recital when I was younger and we did this song. We did it so the dads danced with their daughters out on the stage. I was the first girl that went out. I had a beautiful blue dress like Cinderella. My dad was dressed in a white suit. I remember everything about that dance. My dad was sitting on a chair on stage when the music started. I ran out and tugged at his suit while he was reading a book. He stood up and kicked the chair away, he threw the book off stage then picked me up. He spun around then put me on the ground. We danced around in circles and at one point he picked me up and threw me in the air. I did a little twirl, then we walked off. The next girl came on in a long flowing purple prom dress. Her dad was dressed in a black suite with a purple shirt that matched her dress. She danced with her dad and did a slow dance with a few fun moves, then they walked off. The last girl walked on in a white "wedding" dress and put her face on her dads chest and danced around. At the end all the girls walked on stage and our dads came out with flowers. It was one of the most beautiful dances I have done. I loved it.
After the dance my dad told me how proud he was that nothing went wrong and that I did a fantastic job. I love my dad to pieces, and that's one of the reasons why. No matter what happens and how badly I dance, or play, or whatever. He is still proud of me. I remember that dance so well. The second girl that went on, who couldn't have been more then 10 or 12, was supposed to dance with her big brother. 15 minutes before our dance, her dad walked in. Her dad was in the military and didn't tell anyone he would be home. He got to dance with her which was great. When we were done and had to do photos back stage, her mom ran in and started screaming. Her mom had no idea he would be there. It was completely fantastic. I have had those moments with my brother and my uncle. They are some of the best moments in your life. When your brother comes home from a tour in Afghanistan to surprise you. Even when it's not a surprise and you just get to hug him for the first time in almost a year. I cant begin to explain the magical feel you get when your brother walks into your class, uniform and all. It's just incredible.

Cameron-Elizabeth

The voice of truth.....

The voice of truth is a song by Casting Crowns. My. Favorite. Band..... There a Christian rock group. I can most definitely say they are my favorite band. The voice of truth is god. He says not to be scared, tells a different story, and says this is for my glory. This is the voice I hear. This song is on my playlist, over and over again. But this isn't really what this post is about.

This post is more about my faith. I am a Christian, I attend the most amazing Baptist church ever. Now here is my story......

I have always been a church girl. My dad attended every Sunday, or at least everyone he could. I went with him every Sunday. I did Sunday school with the kids since I was like 3. I had 2 friends at that church.....2. I started youth group as soon as I could. Still with 2 friends there. When I was in 6th grade, a few months after I started youth, my dad was sick. He hadn't attended for about a month. When he walked in with me the Sunday he came back our preacher had the nerve to say "I didn't know you were still a member." That was the last time we went to that church.

We found another one that our family friends were going to. We went and were welcomed with open arms. The most amazing people. Ever. Everyone came and talked to us, including people we had never met before, and people I had known all of my life. We go there every Sunday, rain or shine. Hot or cold. Sick or well. I can only image where we would be had we not started there. My dad got his transplant 3 weeks after we started there. Let me tell you, those people are the most amazing support system I could have wanted. Not including my sister. I can't admit it to everyone when I'm on the verge of giving up, or about to cry. But the youth there are amazing, and I know I can talk to Bre and Ray no matter what. I have sat down and balled my eyes out with people in that church. I have also shared memories that I will never forget with those people. The people I now call my family. The people I trust to talk to and not be looked down on. I have incredible friends at this church. Friends who I couldn't dream of loosening, ever. I love every kid in youth with me. Not at all like the church we were attending.
After we left the first church I stayed friends with those 2 people. I also ended up becoming friends with 2 more incredible people. One of which only talked to me when he didn't have anyone else, I was his last person to talk to. I am so glad he did though. He was at a very bad point in his life. A point where he really needed someone. I became his someone, whenever he needed me. He is now incredibly happy, he joined the Navy, he has a really amasing girlfriend. We talk all the time now. The second person is someone who is like 6 years older then I am. He is a missionary now, but he contacted me just after he left. Him and I became friends, and I talk to him frequently too. Although I am still glad I left that church.

I won't leave this church. I love them.

I have been through difficult times, times where I prayed and didn't believe. Times where I thought if there was a god he wouldn't do this to a follower. I had a conversation with the most amazing youth pastor I have ever had about this. He told me that if I couldn't handle these challenges, they wouldn't have been given to me. I think that's true. I also wonder though. A preachers son is supposed to know that. He gets taught all of that when he's young. Yet I wonder why he cut his life short. Maybe that was his way of handling it. I just can't seem to understand that. I can't seem to figure that part out. Maybe I'm just not seeing the bigger picture. Maybe I missed something. I just can't figure it out.

I'm in a place right now where I believe. I pray about everything. I wonder when this "trial" is going to end though. This wasn't supposed to be a depressing post. It's really supposed to be happy. I have a church! I belief in god! I'm in a good place faith wise right now! I'm happy!
I write this as I am listening to my playlist that consists of songs by Casting Crowns, Chris Tomlin and Mercyme.

Everything has a story behind it

Everything has a story behind it.

The reason I wont show people how bad I feel, there is a story there. The reason I don't complain about pain, another story. The reason no one will ever see me upset, another story. The reason I try to impress everyone I know. The reason I take my shower at 9 and no other time. The reason I never stop smiling. The reason I get really anxious.

The reason I wont show people how bad I feel....... When I was little like 7ish, I saw my dad at the sickest he had been in years. He would go out and do things and not let anyone see how bad he felt. Just like my amazing grandfather. Like father like son and then daughter. Well I told myself then that no matter how bad I feel I will be as strong as my daddy.

The reason I don't complain about pain....... I have seen how much people can hurt. The real tears that can not be held back. In the ER, people who are in pain that couldn't ever be compared to what I feel. I hurt. I am not going to tell anybody though. My brother told me when I was like 4 that no matter how bad something hurts I can tell him, but I have to be a strong girl for my parents. I don't complain to anyone for that reason. I have to be strong. Not weak.

The reason no one will see me upset........ Goes with the one above, I have to be strong. Not weak.

The reason I try to impress everyone....... I am afraid of failure, and not being liked. I want everyone to think highly of me. I was told by a friend that you have to impress everyone or you will have no one. I now know that isn't true. But when your in kindergarten, that leaves a lasting impression. I'm afraid Ill lose everyone.

The reason I take my shower at 9....... I know this is weird. But when I would take a shower/bath sense forever ago, it was at 9. And I don't like change, so 9 is stays.

The reason I never stop smiling....... My dad told me one time when he was in the hospital, "no matter how bad things are everyday is a miracle and don't ever take that for grated or stop smiling." So I don't.

The reason I get really anxious....... I am terrified of things. Terrified of failure and change and death. I get really anxious when someone talks to me because I am afraid of them talking about those things. I know that everyone dies and there is no reason to be scared of death, its not really death I'm scared of. Its losing someone who means so much to me. I cry over the stupidest things because they remind me of something someone did that I have lost.

Morel of this post, don't judge people. You have seen what they do, not why. You know there name but not there story.

Cameron-Elizabeth

March!

Hey Everyone!
So this is going to be a post about not to much. Just a little update. I helped move my grandma out of her apartment 2 weeks ago. It was actually fun. Believe it or not. I have never moved before so it was cool helping. I took some really amassing photos today. I think I am going to be getting a water prof camera soon. (I hope so) I cut my bangs they happen to be kind of short right now which isn't my favoritest thing ever. I learned El Salvador is 2 words. I finished reading Romeo and Juliet. I got my Nook working.  We got a new (white) couch. I met some new friends. I stopped talking to some old friends. I asked for help. Which is a great feat for me. I have been dealing with stuff lately that I really don't like.

My grandma died on Tuesday. I had my moments with her. We didn't get along sometimes. But you have to forgive people. That's what I did. The same grandma that I helped move. Surprisingly this hit me really hard. But at the same time everyone thinks I am this big rock that you can come and talk to. I even had a friend tell me Friday that if I hadn't told her she would have never known. Well it really didn't seem real the first couple days. All I could think about was that though. It seemed like I was just going through the actions. But yesterday it really sunk in when we went to the florist. It hit me, I don't have grandparents anymore. None, biological that is of course. I still have a grandmother that kind of adopted me as her grandchild. So did my grandpa, he died when I was 3. But he meant the world to me. Any way, she died on Tuesday. My dad is taking it really hard, he trys to be this big macho man, but I know hes not. He came in my room last night in tears and told me he couldn't believe she was gone and he would never she her again. My uncle is being strong too, telling everyone that its OK. I believe him.
I think this is going to take time because of how much everyone saw her, but we will be OK. I know we will. I think part of why I am so upset is because I never got to say bye before she moved. And I partially blame my dad for that. I know I shouldn't, its not right. But its hard not to. I feel like there is so much I wanted to tell her.

Its March! I love March. Just as a little up beat last words.

Cameron-Elizabeth